when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Who’s your best friend?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?