when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.