Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.