When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.