When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
😂😂
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok