When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
i just found this in my phone
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess