Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Skills

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.