Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

They must have gotten it to go.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.