When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
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Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”