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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
how high up are we talkin’?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”