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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.