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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.