When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough