Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

liiiiiiiiike

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?