When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Employees must applaud the planets.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)