When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
🐿️
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail