When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese