When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO