Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.