When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat