When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours