When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Feel. He’s so soft.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I think the cat got the dog high.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me