When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks