When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel