Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
based al yankovic
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine