Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!
Me: Adults don’t get snow days.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”