Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Those are good neighbors.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?