when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The real reason evolution started..😂
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.