when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.