@kelllicopter

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

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@mrs_campfire

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

@ozzyunc

Guys, I’m writing a Pixar Scrabble movie. It’s about a Blank Tile that feels pressure to choose a letter identity. It cost $350 million & if you don’t like it you’re a bad person.

@DinkMagic

It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv

@SurreySlum

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@TequilaSaltlife

Them: Can you fix my computer while I am at lunch?

Me: You do know IT people eat food like other humans, right?

@valenty__

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

@MikeDrucker

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.