when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

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Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?


The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?


a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head


Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?


Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“


My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.


Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.


I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.