Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@heyitsJudeD

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

@RiddlingDreams

Gay test: are you gay ?
If you answered yes, then you’re gay.

@melissamcewen

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

@impaulmccoy

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

@FloodyHippie

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

@ReaIlyHighGuy

Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.

@GingerHotDish

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.