Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon