Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.