when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.