I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
You Might Also Like
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”