when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
wish me luck lads
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”