I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that