“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
*updates tinder bio*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
A Short Story.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.