“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
They did not miss in the small print
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two