Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

I need a headline like this

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone