When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
You Might Also Like
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
When you let grandma cat sit
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.