When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
what the
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
the Monday after daylight savings
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I need to update my racial profile.