When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
You Might Also Like
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
