#titanic
You Might Also Like
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
This classic never gets old . . .
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…