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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.


Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.


[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.


“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.


“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.


I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.


Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man


her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist