When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
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Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman