When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
not seeing the problem
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”