When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Mike is short for Micycle
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I would like even faster food.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.