When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My dad.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”