When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?