Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, this certainly took a turn

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.