Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

definitely did not do anything wrong

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.