When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
(by @ZachWeiner )
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old