Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

dude it’s called proctologist

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.