When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.