Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

worst…sale…ever

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40