When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Always leave them wanting their money back.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT