When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
You Might Also Like
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale