When he asks for feet pics
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
i dont have time for this
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer