When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Meme Monday.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them