When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!