When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief