When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The Sun
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Dumple
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out