When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
me hitting on a model
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care