Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried