When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
“Why you watching this shit?”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎