Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook