Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.