When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull