When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.