When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*