Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”