When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.