When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure