When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

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[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn


I hope you guys realize that sunflower seeds are salted little plant babies.


Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.


Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?


the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish


[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]


What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception



It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.


Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.