[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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I hope you guys realize that sunflower seeds are salted little plant babies.
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.
Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
schrodinger: ignore that
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
It has been
2?4? 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.