When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
this is what they would have looked like, though
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE