when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Friday
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs