when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.