when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot