I just licked guacamole off my elbow.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Sharing is caring, unless you’re coming for my phone charger.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes