when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week


Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead


I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.


I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?


*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*


Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes