When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

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Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.


I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.


Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.

Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag

G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.


I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.


I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.


The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.


And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.


Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.