When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
LOOOOOOL
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it