When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Good boy 😂😂
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.