Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Finished stitching this today 😇

This is me

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming