Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Liquor Store Parking

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

She might be a genius

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you